Leaving Las Vegas
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
Last night I drank, drank, and blacked out. I drank myself silly and woke up in the arms of Arnold. Subconsciously, I would have to say the motivation behind this binge is the fear of dealing with something that could be in another world, but at this time and place, cannot. I dare not drink any longer, I made a fool but I must leave that behind. A fool I was already, having taken back in my arms a man that was rude and hurtful. My heart forgives. I cannot forget, but I walk with caution and am not afraid of hurt. I fear being faced with the reality of unrequited love, the fear that perhaps I AM wrong, and that there was never anything between us but lust. Secure in my own person, but not my love life. My therapist told me I needed to find love, that love would be the thing I needed to heal the wounds from my childhood. I refuse to play that part, to believe that ‘love’ will heal me, as if I am not capable of healing/loving on my own. I refuse to give someone or anything, so much power over me. Love is needed and desired in my life, but I will not chase it, for it is within me already.
I can walk up to the door, and I can knock, but so far I have not been invited in. To think, that when I met Arnold a year ago, I felt something so strong that I really did question my sanity. He had done nothing to earn my love, in fact, he still has not, and yet I found myself throwing myself at him. I have only ever felt like this about one person, although I had loved Paul with madness. But that love WAS madness, as the passion between us was so intense it completely dominated our lives. The sex and the love, the friendship, everything was full of love and pure passion. With this fellow it feels different, I feel like I’m arriving home soon. Like this is it. It is permanent and complete.
Arnold lacks compassion. I do question his sensibility, for being a stripper at the moment he was cruel and threw that in my face. If anything, it should be ME who is disgusted by the fact that he enjoys these types of places. It shows a misogynistic side of him and being a strong woman, he finds me threatening and wild. He doesn’t realize that we have that in common, whatever he thought about me, he is really thinking about himself. I (my dancing)probably represent a side of himself he doesn’t like to face or has been made to hide and feel shameful of. I am a loving free spirit and perhaps I just have to accept that the type of men that go to strip clubs and purchase are not good, not my type at least. To enter a place where you know women are being treated like zoo animals and then enamour one, and later hold it against her … why do I want someone like this? He is a patron and that is where we met- had I never danced I would have never met him. Sometimes the universe unfolds in unexpected ways and we find ourselves being challenged. I am a strong, intelligent, and am complicated. I have been told I am a challenge, I know this is not a good thing when finding a man. However, the man that does accept me as a challenge and loves me FOR the life I’ve had and the love I can give him … will be the most loved man.
Being Danish I now see that he has been raised to conform, to be safe, and do the things society tells him are right for him. Obviously … marrying an american actress who was a dancer to support herself is taboo. Instead, he rather a ‘safe’ girl that will accept the life handed to her and who doesn’t have big plans in her life and who does challenge him to grow as a person. Because? Simply: fear. Fear that he cannot live up to be the man a strong woman like me deserves. And my heart weeps for this, because I know deep in my heart that I might be the best thing he’s come across… but he is NOT the best thing I’ve come across. I can’t believe I was ever crazy and in love enough to leave dancing for this guy and become what he wanted. My heartsong is different, it calls for me to share my talents with the world, not to be a plain person. If he really wanted me, it would happen. But he doesn’t and like I said, it is okay.
When he left me after we met up in Vegas I told him he was just a fuck. I don’t expect anything from him anymore, he doesn’t owe me anything, but I still adore the thought of what if and why not. I need to let that go. And I made a terrible choice by drinking, even by meeting up with him again … because to him I’m just a stripper who showed interest in him, but to me he is a man, of flesh and bone, that could be a resting place for my heart. My home. I have to remind myself of the things I don’t like about him, his porn viewing, his lack of compassion, his lack of goals in life and the lack of courage to pursue his dreams. I like sex too much and he seems to only enjoy it in limited amounts, which I don’t think I could live with. He is a cheater, he is harsh, and can be chippy. Perhaps it is his background, it seems like Danes can be jerks and socially ignorants for the most part. I am so full of life and love.
